Naked Lunch (1991)

First off I'd like to state that I fault no one for avoiding this week's selection. This will probably be one of those films the movie club won't receive many submissions on, and that's quite alright.  To those few of you who actually did sit through this, and understandably hated it, I'm torn between regard for your patience and endurance or total amusement that you would actually sit through this pile of roach excrement.  Personally I have no bones about writing a review for a film I didn't entirely sit through.  Sometimes a film is simply so awful that you really don't need to waste two hours of your life to have the right to say it, that's the case with Naked Lunch. 

Every so often a film comes along that is simply a crime against mankind, that film is Naked Lunch.  They said it was a book that couldn't be made into a movie, frankly it's a book that never should have been written, and definitely not a film that should be list on the 1001 Movies You Should See Before You Die list.  To try and explain Naked Lunch would be pointless.  First off I really don't care what it all meant, if there was even meaning in the film to begin with, and second I really don't think many of you would care because I believe the audience for this is probably so small that spending my time attempting to explain or summarizing it all would probably take more time than what I allowed myself to sit through in watching this.

From what little I have read, Naked Lunch is actually not an adaptation of the book but more so a loose interpretation of the life of William S. Burrough's state of mind (or lack there of) as he wrote the book in his drug induced stooper.  As you all know from my reviews of Requiem For A Dream and Magnolia, I'm a hard one to please when it comes to films about society's rejects, people who are content to sluff off their live's with drugs and other narcotics, and Naked Lunch is simply that type of film take to another dimension of insanity.

I also simply didn't like Naked Lunch because it was a bizarrely twisted film that not only is poorly written and thrown together, but also ultimately quite meaningless in the mind of any sane human being.  I assume I'm supposed to find some entertainment in the mind of obviously insane William Burrough, a guy who probably was high on roach poison to warrant a film that chronicles part of his life like this!  If nothing else the writer of 1001 Movies must have been shooting up some yellow dust into his veins to think that this film would be interesting to anyone outside a very narrow and possibly disturbed niche. 

0/10

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The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula (1974)

How ironic is it that after I finish one Hammer review stating it's the best one I've seen thus far that I would be rewarded with a follow-up that's not only the worst Hammer film I've seen to date, but also possibly one of the worst films I have ever laid eyes on!  Being one of the last films Hammer produced it's now clear why the cult film company met their demise, because The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula is about as bottom of the barrel you can possibly achieve.

I must admit I did not give this film my whole attention, after about twenty-five minutes I was so utterly bored and disgusted by how absolutely horrible this film was that I turned my attention to my computer while the film played out in the background.  But I witnessed enough of this travesty to know that it never got better, and only got worse.  The film begins with Count Dracula transforming himself into a Chinese warlord, with the intent to travel to China and unite six vampires who have recently lost their 7th member.  But these six vampires aren't your typical fanged undead beasts, these guys are mummified ninja vampires who travel around the countryside fighting villagers with swords and martial arts!  Also in China happens to be Professor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) whose in town lecturing on vampires, although no one takes him seriously except a man whose village has witnessed the terror he speaks of.  After a little persuading Van Helsing agrees to assist a family of "kung fu" experts in destroying the seven golden vampires lead by Dracula.

If I really need to explain to you why this film is so awful you ought to read the above paragraph again, but to humor myself I will expound upon the common sense reasons behind this film being complete trash.  First off my biggest complaint is mixing Horror with Martial Arts.  I guess if done properly it could possibly work but mixing campy martial arts with an already ridiculous Dracula film in my opinon pretty much defeats the purpose of calling the film a Horror, unless that's short for "horrible"!  Secondly, Count Dracula should not be turning into a Chinese man, traveling to China and terrorizing the countryside with six mummified ninja vampires.  The concept of mummified ninja vampires alone boggles my mind, who came up with that idea?  Why not throw a ninja werewolf vampire into the mix as well!?!  Some people might find this whole combination extremely entertaining, I know they're out there, but I found this whole combination and storyline to be worse than any B-movie I have ever seen, and I've seen some bad ones.

Thirdly, the film overuses the slow motion feature as I've never seen before.  A majority of the fight scenes are intersperse with slow motion, and the first 25 or so minutes I watched was overloaded with slow motion from the very beginning of the film.  If this was done for effect the only affect it had on me was annoyance.  I could continue stating why this film is worthless, but the fact is there is no real reason to watch this unless your aching for some torture.  Some may find this bizarre film enjoyable but I can't fathom anyone thinking it's actually a quality film, not even the lovely Julile Ege could gain this film points (more about her in an upcoming review of Creatures the World Forgot). Overall The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula is a horrible way for the Hammer franchise to begin to fizzle out, but it really should be no surprise why it happened with a cornball horror film such as this being apart of its last stance.

I have been informed that this film is actually the extremely poor US cut of the film The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, which is the original United Kingdom release and is much better.

0/10

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Ellie Parker (2005)

Originally Written
Friday, April 14, 2006

There is nothing worse than a film that has no budget whatsoever, has a horrible story, and a cast of good actors putting forth horrible performances. It's sad but this is what I tend to think of when I hear independent film. You would assume all the time and money saved on having no special effects or huge production costs would lead to a somewhat compelling, interesting and entertaining film... well I guess not. That's my big complaint with independent films there is nothing to fall back on when the story puts you into a coma, and it usually does, at least with a blockbuster if the story is awful you have the action and effects to keep you mildly entertained.

So you can probably guess I'm not a huge fan of independent films, and honestly I have to say Ellie Parker only solidified my opinions by being one of the worst films I have ever seen. Ellie Parker is an aspiring actress, the film is a documentary of sorts on this fictional characters life. following her through her multiple dead end auditions and her mental breakdowns as she tries to figure out who she is.

Right off the bat I hated the way this film was shot, the basic home video look did not work at all for me, especially when the film had nothing good going for it to begin with. The video was choppy and at times the quality and flow almost gave me a headache. The audio quality wasn't much better, half the time I could barely make out what people were saying with the volume turned all the way up. There were a couple shots during the opening audition scenes where Ellie is mentally visualizing herself in the role and all of a sudden the video and audio quality is perfect, because it’s done with a decent camera, really highlighting the mediocre quality of the rest of the film.

Next the story is horrible mainly because there is really no story, I wouldn't be surprised if half the time the actors were winging the film as they went along. From what I have heard this is an extended version of a short film that Naomi Watts and director/actor Scott Coffey put together sometime ago before Watts hit it big. After her new found fame Coffey figured why not try and make this short film into something more! Big mistake, short films are short for a reason, when you have nothing a majority of people are going to want to watch, turning it into a feature length film is pointless.

The acting was terrible as well. I hate to say it but Naomi Watts didn't do it for me, maybe it was the fact that everything about this film was bad, but even her performance was very forced and left me bored out of my mind. Coffey's short appearance was absolutely awful and proves he's not only a terrible director but a horrible actor as well. Even the cameos by a few big stars such as Chevy Chase and Keanu Reeves were a waste.

In the end, Ellie Parker is probably the worst film I have ever seen, I can't think of anything positive to say about it, which is rare. Had the film been shot digital or with a decent camera, similar to the few beginning scenes, I probably would have at least been able to sit through it without practically wanting to put myself out of my own misery. I have to chuckle after seeing that Watts and Coffey both produced this, all that money must have went to releasing this on to DVD, because it's clear none of it went into the actual production of the film. Overall, Ellie Parker is a waste of time, if you’re into really boring artsy films you might find this somewhat interesting but I doubt the average movie watcher would even bother thinking about watching this. Then only group of people I could really see interested in checking this out are fans of Naomi Watts who like myself want to see everything sees done, well take my advice and stay away from this one. It's really quite sad when you've seen things on YouTube done a lot better with absolutely no money, proving that you can make something entertaining with a small budget. All Ellie Parker does is give new meaning to the words independent film, and not in a good way.

0/10

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Alien Species (1996)

Alien Species is one of the films in the Mills Creek collection that I can only give a very concise review of... stay away! The film makes Sci Fi Channel originals look like masterpieces, it makes homemade Youtube videos look like the work of an Oscar winning director, and it gives you an idea of what mental torture would be like. Watching the first 15 minutes of this film might be the hardest thing I have ever had to sit through, everything from the acting, the story, to the "special effects" is so bad that it's almost as if the creators of this film had never seen another movie in their lives.

I've seen cheesy horror films from the 50's with more going for them, this film is seriously an insult to the industry. I then had to fast forward through the rest of the this 92 minute borefest periodically pausing to see if it ever became even slightly better, it didn't. If anyone can seriously sit through 92 minutes of this film they'd either have to be in a coma, or need to seriously examine the usefulness of their life if they have to time to actually watch this. This is one of those films I don't know who to feel more sorry for, the guy who decided to include this in the Mills Creek collection (who probably no longer has a job), or the people stupid enough to make this film. The only silver lining is I've discovered a new form of torture for terrorist prisoners and it's playing this film on a constant loop.

What I Learned:
- Movies can be used as torture.

0/10

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