Magnolia (1999)

If number one Bond girl Eva Green knocked on my front door wearing a trench coat (use your imagination as to what's under or not under the coat), high heels and a copy of Magnolia, proclaiming in her sexy voice that she was here to spend the weekend with me under the condition we first watched this film, I seriously might consider slamming the door in her face.  How's that for an attention getter Univarn?  You going to keep reading?  Well here I am again almost one month from the date I last sat here and railed against some other much beloved "classic work of art".  That previous film was entitled Requiem for a Dream and I was alone in my own personal Twilight Zone of theatrical opinon, unable to grasp the almost unanimous outcry of love for a film I couldn't find myself caring a lick about.  Now out of some streak of movie review retribution I have been forced to endure Magnolia, but at least I can say loudly with cliched fists raised to the sky, "I'm not the only one who thinks this movie is complete trash!"  

Many of you who are consistent readers won't be surprised by my thoughts after seeing how I felt about Requiem for a Dream, and really everything applies to this film as well if not more so.  For my own sanity and to prevent unwarranted repetition I will compact my rant into a few brief statements, if you're yearning for anything further I recommend checking out my Requiem for a Dream review where everything there also applies here, except anything remotely positive I may have said.  

Much like Requiem for a Dream, Magnolia is a conglomeration of characters and stories that slowly proceed to connect as the film progresses.  For me none of characters or stories were remotely interesting, and once again I don't find the self involved, screwed up lives of nutcases extremely interesting, or entertaining.  Magnolia is essentially a film about the screwed up lives of individuals who have in turn screwed up the lives of their children.  Taking three hours to jump back and forth between characters with the only purpose to become more depressing and profane as it progresses, superb entertainment right?  To me it's only boring, messy, and extremely uninteresting.

 

So did I enjoy anything about Magnolia? Ironically I found the first five minutes to be the most enjoyable, and it has absolutely nothing to do with any of the characters in the film, go figure!  Why is it that all the interesting characters are systematically introduced and killed off in the introduction, leaving us with is a bunch of typical perverted, drug encrusted alcoholics?  I wanted to see more of Patton Oswalt as a blackjack dealer who gets sucked up by a water carrying airplane while scuba-diving in a lake!  Also for a while, the character of the police officer played by John C. Reilly was fairly entertaining, but he quickly became a casualty of the the narcissistic plot of the rest of the film.  Overall, I don't think it's much of a surprise to anyone that I didn't like this film.  Somehow watching a film about reprobates wasting their lives away doesn't seem to fulfill my entertainment quota.  And I'm not against watching depressing films, I love dramas, but I feel it's the film's responsibility to give me a reason to watch and all Magnolia does is give me reasons to turn it off. 

1/10


1001 Movie Club Rating