Conan The Barbarian (1982)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is possibly the greatest action star of all-time; I think you'd be hard pressed to find many people who would honestly say otherwise. Schwarzenegger's style of action just works, the over-the-top violence, the corny sub plots, the classic one liners and to top it all off the Austrianized American accent solidify Arnold as one of the most entertaining. Even in some of his more mediocre roles such as Last Action Hero, Arnold puts forth a performance that's never lacking and never dull. But unfortunately I can't say the same about Conan the Barbarian, or as I see fit to call it Conan the Bore-barian.

Hailed as one of the greatest Sword and Sorcery films of all-time, Conan the Barbarian is Schwarzenegger's first real successful role leading to his greatest role in The Terminator two years later. The film begins with Conan as a young boy, as he witnesses the ravaging of his village, the murder of his father, and the beheading of is mother by the evil sorcerer Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). Conan and the other children of the his village are kept alive and taken into captivity where they are forced into slavery. Over twenty years later Conan is the sole surviving member of those captured from his village. Now older and extremely well fit, his captors enter him into fighting competitions where he becomes one of the greatest gladiator the territory has ever seen. He's a force to be reckoned with, something his master probably comes to realize when he releases Conan from his bond of slavery.

Now free Conan begins his search for the man who killed his family, only having the remembrance of a symbol with two intertwined snakes to guide him in his journey. Along the way he picks up two colleagues interested in assisting him in his mission, Subotai, and the lovely Valeria, whom Conan quickly establishes a romantic relationship with. As the film progresses Conan learns more information about the symbol he seeks, it's the symbol of the Snake Cult, lead by their murderous leader Thulsa Doom. With the identity of his target now known Conan sets off on a dangerous mission of revenge to put to rest Thulsa Doom and his Snake Cult, which has been bringing nothing but pain to the inhabitants of the surrounding cities.

To say I was disappointed with this film would be an understatement, everything I expected from a typical Schwarzenegger film was missing. First off when you think of Conan the Barbarian, what usually comes to mind is action. Besides the massacre of Conan's village at the beginning of the film, a short battle almost near the end, and the final battle there's not much in the way of action at all, after twenty years the action sequences just don't stand the test of time. Second, the film is sorely lacking in dialogue. In two hours and ten minutes there isn't much of it, and Arnold gets the sort end of the stick. While I understand Arnold's being cast in the film is primarily due to his physique, the few lines he did have where hilarious and it would have been more entertaining and helped pass the time if he'd been given more to say.

Finally, the story didn't work for me at all. The events in the beginning of the film, prior to Conan being freed, don't make a whole lot of sense and takes a little bit of faith, such as Conan pushing that wheel contraption for twenty years, and then being trained to fight and suddenly released. Moreover the entire revenge plot of the film was unoriginal and boring, mainly due to minimal dialogue and action, and James Earl Jones in a long haired wig was quite corny, although definitely creepy. Overall, Conan the Barbarian was a decent start for Schwarzenegger's career, but as an action film it's barely adequate, and if this is one of the best Sword and Sorcery films, then the genre is sorely lacking.

6/10