Edison Force (2005)

Originally Reviewed

Saturday July 22, 2006

Like many other people who probably rented this film I only rented it because of RT's (Rotten Tomatoes) gorilla marketing campaign to force this down our throats with the constant banner ads and advertisements. Other than that I rented it out of curiosity for how bad it was going to be... well my curiosity has been filled, and this film is sufficiently bad, I hope RT got lots of money for advertising this because if they actually thought this film was worth advertising then we have more problems than the constant crashes and maintenance of this website (referring to Rotten Tomatoes buggy site).

Edison Force is about a group of undercover cops who are apart of a group called FRAT, First Response Assault & Tactical unit, made up of a bunch of highly skilled shooters who have all served prison time. FRAT is above the law and while they have technically cleaned the city up, in all actuality they have now become the ones responsible for causing all the messes.

The film has a quite impressive cast of well known names; grant it there isn't a whole lot of talent to back up those names. The film follows rapper LL Cool J, who has only recently become a member of FRAT, but he's not too comfortable with their ways of handling situations.  Dylan McDermott is his drugged up, trigger happy partner who gains his pleasure from killing and beating up civilians. After McDermott executes an unarmed guy during a drug bust he forces the guys buddy to take the wrap for the whole thing claiming he came after him with a knife.

LL Cool J was not comfortable with any of this but goes along with the story during the trial, adding to the fact that the defendant did appear to have been in fear of his life when they arrived on the scene. The defendant thanks him while he exits the courtroom which catches the ear of newbie reporter Justin Timberlake. Timberlake's curiosity is sparked by this exchange and decides to delve in further but is unable to get any information. When he goes to the defendant in prison he spills some information about this all being a cover-up for the cop. This was all he needed to continue his story, yet as he gets closer and closer to the truth he puts his life in even more danger. In the end the only one who can help bring justice to the dead and end the corruption of FRAT is one of the guys whose actually in it.

I really wasn't expecting much out of this film at all, so I wasn't terribly surprised when it ended up being a total piece of crap. This is also one of those horribly written films that somehow believes that continual cursing will make the film more intense and hide the fact it's worse than a TV movie. I'm really surprised at the number of people they got to actually do this film even though most of them aren't that talented, from LL Cool J, Dylan McDermott, Justin Timberlake, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, Piper Perabo, Roselyn Sanchez, and even the dad from Home Alone (that ones not a surprise).

For the most part the acting was horrible, of course I'm sure it has something to do with the bad story, but some of the characters were beyond bad. Dylan McDermott as a deranged cop became hilarious as he overacted the entire role. Justin Timberlake, while not the worst in the film wasn't very convincing in his role and seemed to simply be excited to be an in film. Kevin Spacey had a horrible wig on that sunk his character into truly cornball city right off the spot, hard to not burst out laughing when he first appears on screen. Morgan Freeman was alright but he's basically exactly the same as he is in every film, pretty dull and monotone.

In the end, it was as bad as I thought it would be and probably worse, an extremely bad film with sub standard actors, and a horrible script. But what do you expect when the two leading actors are LL Cool J and Justin Timberlake!?! Both of these guys really need to stick to music. I'm getting tried of people in the music business thinking they can act, I have yet to see anyone who was truly great at both. I'm a big fan of Will Smith and his music but even I'll admit he's really not that great of a rapper, acting is his strong suit, and these guys need to go back to their strong suit. Let this film go by unless you're intentionally prepared to watch a total piece of crap, it's truly direct to DVD material.

2/10 

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Dirty Deeds (2005)

 Originally Reviewed

Tuesday September 5, 2006

This is another rare occasion where straight forward and concise review is all I can muster up, as this film hardly warrants the time and effort to try and make up something to give a false impression it's any good at all. Dirty Deeds is your typical teen comedy, which for the most part I rarely ever find funny, completely low budget (even for a teen comedy), below average acting, and completely and utterly... stupid.

The basis of the film is the completion of what is called "The Dirty Deeds", which consists of a list of ridiculous pranks, misdemeanor crimes and a couple felonies. Zach steps in to do these deeds in order to protect a young freshman friend who carelessly challenged the school's jock and all American pain in the butt. Zach also has a major crush on the kid's sister, played by Lacey Chabert, and hopes that by being one of the few to complete these dastardly deeds he might finally gain some respect from his peers, the of course score some points with Chabert.

The film is mildly entertaining at times, but for the most part it's either completely stupid or insulting and an overall waste of time; luckily it's a relatively short waste of time. The only reason at all I bothered watching this film was the fact that Lacey Chabert was in it, and probably right away I should have known that if her name is the only name in the film I recognize I'm probably in for a major disaster. While Lacey is incredibly hot, she hasn't been in anything worth noting, except for Mean Girls, and how do you go from that to some terrible low budget disaster!?! The fact of the matter is, and I hate to say this, Chabert is a second rate Jessica Love Hewitt, being stunningly beautiful yet not being able to get a descent role to save her life, and when your getting worse roles than Hewitt... well you know something is wrong.

In the end, Chabert is in the film for probably less than 15 minutes, so your one reason to watch this is now quite non-existent. The only aspect this film succeeds in is perfectly achieving a straight zero percentage rates from the critics and viewers, so in short everyone thought this film was a total piece of crap. I happened to check out one of the bonus features on the DVD that had some short interviews on the casting of the film and found it hilarious when the director stated that in casting the major roles they weren't looking for any "big names" they were just looking for good actors. Well, I question his definition of good, as I saw nothing close to it. That statement is more of a lame excuse for the fact that there was no way they could have gotten any big names to do this film anyway. 

2/10 

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Kung Fu Hustle (2004)

 Originally Reviewed

Tuesday August 9, 2005

Sometimes a film is so completely ridiculous and awful that writing a full review simply seems a waste of even more of my time, Kung Fu Hustle is one of those films.  In these cases sometimes I simply need to vent, so here it goes... this has to be one of the stupidest films ever made! This film is another example of how people are willing to go see crappy films because of special effects. For some reason a film being "different" is a reason to hail it's presence, maybe I should make a film of myself sitting in a chair for two hours doing absolutely nothing, with a blank stare on my face. Maybe I will be worshiped by all as having a great film?  It sure would be different.

I'm sorry but the Chinese need to stick to doing what they do best and that's not comedies, Crouching Tiger, Hero, those type of films work, not comedy and definitely not whatever this film was. Think The Matrix, Looney Tunes, Kill Bill, The Three Stooges and any Jackie Chan film mixed into one, at about half the quality. Now some of you obviously think that’s cool... which is why no one is seeing GOOD films anymore. This film isn't funny, the story is stupid, and having to read subtitles to a horrible film is torture (don't even bother turning the English Dubbing on it only makes it even worse). Aside from some decent fight scenes and CGI, I would rather watch Hero, or Crouching Tiger, where you get more realistic fight scenes and some actual depth to the story. Please leave the comedies to the people that know what they are doing! This film wasn't even corny, it's beyond corny, it's simply awful. 

2/10 

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A Love Song for Bobby Long (2004)

Originally Reviewed

Saturday June 3, 2006

At first I didn't even want to bother wasting the time to write a review for this film but I might as well take this opportunity to rant, I've earned that. I had never heard of this film before and no wonder, it made $121,476 in the box office, which means about 13,500 people actually went to see this film.  I'm hoping it was an independent release, if not then those numbers are really bad, if it was an independent film then that's simply another reason why I probably didn't like it.

Pursy Will (Scarlett Johansson) returns to New Orleans after hearing of the death of her mother. She stops by her mothers old house now believing it to belong solely to her; she had been told her mother was going to fix it up for her and leave it to her when she had died. All Pursy finds is a dilapidated old house and a couple of guys who have wasted away their lives, Bobby Long and Lawson Pines. Bobby Long (John Travolta) used to be a professor, Lawson his assistant.  The only thing they do is quote literature, smoke, drink themselves into an early grave and curse; how that's a recipe for a good film I'll never understand.

The two of them refuse to leave the house claiming Pursy's mother each left them a third, when in all actuality she did leave the house to Pursy and it was rightly hers, only it would be in one year. Pursy decides she isn't going to leave so they'll make each others life’s a living hell until someone finally does. Throughout the film Pursy discovers the truth about her mother, what happened to Bobby Long and Lawson to lead them to this sad state and the identity of the father whom she never knew.

I have watched many a Scarlett Johansson films, in an attempt to grasp some reason for her popularity.  Sure there is no doubt that she is gorgeous and I will admit she does have some talent, even though her demeanor is almost exactly the same in every film. But other than The Island, which was action packed cornball fun, the rest of her films have been more boring than a stick in the mud. How she manages to pick these films I will never know, although I must say they do fit with what seems to be a horribly boring personality so maybe that’s why. In terms of John Travolta I've learned to not expect much of anything from him anymore as his career has ventured down the same dead end highway as his Face Off buddy Nicolas Cage, and while his portrayal of Bobby Long was comedic on rare occasions for the most part I thought he acted more like a special ed kid than former professor.

In the end, A Love Song for Bobby Long bored me to tears, the story wasn't interesting, it dragged on, and if they weren't drinking they were cussing, which continue for so long that I had to fast forward through a lot to end the misery and find out what all these "secrets" were.  And these secrets definitely aren't worth sitting through this sorry excuse of a film and ended up being pretty predictable especially who Pursy's father is. So I chalk this film up to another boring Johansson film that everyone one saw (non critics) seemed to love and I seem to hate, oddly enough the critics didn't like it either.  Watch the trailer, and that alone should put you asleep.

2/10

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Snatch (2000)

Originally Reviewed 

Saturday September 1, 2007

Snatch is one of those films I think about not bothering writing a review for because I wasn't able to make it through the whole film. But what is the purpose of this site if not to enlighten and share my opinion, and if I’m able to save a few people a few bucks and an hour of their life then I've accomplished something.

I know I'm going to receive major disagreement on this rating since it seems films with convoluted plots, mega stars and the use of the F-word every 30 seconds appear to be strangely popular with the viewers and even more strangely the critics. It seems if you add 150+ F-words to any script it's instantly praised as a great film, though I'm quite at a loss for understanding this logic. Call it "real" if you want to, I call it limited vocabulary and poor writing, if they used the word "fart" 150+ times I'd get tired of it fast too. I also found it completely strange that in the 45 minutes I watched this film they managed to say the F-word about 70 times yet I never once heard them utter any of the other popular obscenities, why so keen of the F-bomb and totally diss the other three and four letter wonders?

After watching 45 minutes of this film not only was I not impressed by anything but completely bored by a plot that even Roger Ebert states "goes nowhere". Also I "enjoyed" attempting to understand what everyone was saying, while they are able to clearing enunciate the F-word, understanding anything else is quite a gamble. Ironically I had an easier time understanding Brad Pitt's character, who none of the other characters in the film seemed to be able to understand!

Overall, I found Snatch boring, pointless and found it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The actors all slur their words, the script is a mess and filled with constant obscenities in an attempt to fill glaring void. Don't mistake my rating as being based on F-word usage, if they had taken all the F-words out I would still be rating it incredibly low. I do believe, however, that repetitive use of an obscenity shows an extreme lack of creativity and only highlights a bad script even more as the word quickly loses any meaning or sense of expression and turns into a filler. What this rating is based on, is the entire 45 minutes I watched, and frankly if a film can't impress me in some way in that amount of time another hour isn't going to change that. I'm sure a lot of you love this film but for those of you who aren't looking for something that appears as if it was written by a bunch of illiterate English crooks I hope I save you some time.

2/10

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The Black Dahlia (2006)

Originally Reviewed 

Monday January 15, 2007

Once again another Scarlett Johansson film that I can't even make it through due to utter boredom.  But fortunately on this occasion the fact that The Black Dahlia is completely unwatchable isn't her fault... it's horrible all on it's own.

The Black Dahlia is a film based on a book, which is "based" on an actual murder case back in the 1940's in Los Angeles which to this day has never been solved. The murder involved a young girl named Elizabeth Short whose attempt at breaking into show business ultimately led to her gruesome murder, and left behind a lot of unanswered questions. Other than the unsolved murder case being the basis for this film everything else surrounding the story is completely made up. Watch the ten minute special feature segment on the DVD, which is better than the film itself, it breaks down the fact and fiction of this interpretation and you'll discover that this film is basically the imagination of the writer of the book.

I'll be honest I only made it through half of this, the story was too extremely dull and slow moving for me sit through. Usually I give a film 15-20 minutes to present something to hold my interest before ultimately calling it quits, but I was quite lenient with this one. After an hour I gave up, the story was going nowhere and I was confused from the beginning as to what exactly was going on. I didn't get the one officer's insane emotional attachment to this case and everything else in the film seemed to branch off on multiple tangents. The ending was simply ridiculous and I felt a little cheated that the writer was making up a ending to try and explain an actual murder.  Why bother making a film about a real case and make 99% of it?  It's a crime against viewers who are watching it thinking it's somewhat based on actual events.

The Black Dahlia had huge potential, but failed on almost every level. First off the style of this film was all wrong. They tried to turn this into an recreation of a 1940's crime thriller, with the corny lines and lead character narration. This may have worked in the 40's but now a days its not going to satisfy a whole lot of people, and frankly I would rather watch the real thing than an even poorer imitation. Second, the casting was horrible. Josh Hartnett is a terrible actor, he almost makes Ben Affleck look good. Where this guy came from and who thinks he has any talent is beyond me, but giving him the lead role in this or any other serious film is a mistake. Of course if you’re going to do something wrong you might as well go all the way and Scarlett Johansson as the co-star was a perfect choice to compliment Hartnett's attempt at acting.

Third, the story is poorly written. From the start  I was confused, and as it progressed it only got worse. Most of the film is made up of a lot of mindless chatter which half the time doesn't appear to even make sense to the actors themselves. The scene that really ended it for me is when Hartnett's character goes over to Hilary Swank's home and has dinner with her absurd family.  Swank's drunk mother does an insane rambling about the red light district and it was so awful that I gave up hope for the remainder of the story. 

Overall, The Black Dahlia takes an unsolved murder case and "butchers" it even more, excuse the pun. It's a film that should have had no decisive ending because in all reality it has none.  Had the meat of the film been entertaining, leaving the audience hanging would not have been a bad thing to do.  Instead the viewer is subject to two hours of drivel that isn't true only to be fed a very mediocre fake ending. I have no problem with fiction but I do have a problem when someone attempts to promote a film on the premise that it's based on true events when about 1% of it is true.

In the end, if you want a good crime film, watch L.A. Confidential, that's how you correctly do a crime thriller whether it's based on true events or not. Had The Black Dahlia taken some pages out of that book then you would have seen a good film. Personally I find The Black Dahlia mystery to be quite intriguing and if properly done and actually based off real case evidence, instead of a fictional book, it might have turned out better. But after it's all said and done the filming, the casting, and the story ultimately leaves you quite disappointed. 

2/10

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The Last Picture Show (1971)

I must admit I've almost been pushed over the edge.  So far over the edge with these recent film choices that I'm about ready to start begging people to choose musicals or anime, yes it's true, I've almost cracked.  But luckily with the new system starting in February I'll no longer have to watch four incredibly boring dramas in a row.  Hopefully I can then begin the healing process in which a series of films has almost scarred me for life in watching the genre I once loved!

The Last Picture Show is one of the few times I actually disliked a film to the point I didn't even want to write a review.  Maybe its the fact that three consecutive downers have finally started to affect me or maybe it's the fact that The Last Picture Show is truly a depressing and despicable film.  Taking place in a rundown Texas dust bowl town there seems to be absolutely nothing to do, so everyone does whatever they feel like doing and follow the familiar saying "idle hands are the Devil's workshop".  This sleepy little rundown town seems to be full of people cheating on each other and getting into whatever trouble suits their fancy, it's a town full of self centered individuals who only seem to care about their own wants and needs.

By now I must be sounding like a broken record when I keep saying how are these films supposed to be entertaining, and why should I feel sorry for a bunch of people whose lives suck so hard because of the choices they decided to make!?!  Why do the critics eat these films up?  These should all be on a list entitled 1001 Movies You Should Wait and See After Your Dead!  This is truly one of the first times I have no rant left in me, I'm growing tired of so many boring films with so many despicable people in them.  So I'll end this with the best line in the film, a line I think basically sums up this film and sums up my complete lack of performance on this review... "I don't know what happened."

2/10

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Barbarella (1968)

Originally Written

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Barbarella gives new meaning to classification of "campy" science fiction films. I love sci-fi and I enjoy the old science fiction films or television series, my favorite being Lost In Space which got pretty corny at times, but never did Lost In Space get as bad as Barbarella. The plot of the film is simple; Barbarella is a space heroine sent from Earth to find a man named Duran Duran who threatens the peace of the universe with an unusual deadly weapon. Along the way she is kidnapped by children who feed her to dolls with metal teeth, tortured with a pleasure machine, attacked by birds and left to the mercy of the matmos.

It shouldn't take long to figure out how bad this film is, the sad part is it continues to get worse. I don't know what is worse, the atrocious acting by everyone, the horrible script, the 60's game show soundtrack, or the fact that the film on top of being completely awful is actually quite boring. It's quite obvious that the film was made in the 60's with the space ship that is lined in shag carpet and the horrible 60's music, it would not surprise me if a couple of high hippies made this film.

Now many people take the stance that the film was intentionally made to be "campy". I have no problem with "campy" but this goes far beyond that, it's one thing to intentionally make fun of something by over exaggerating things and it's another thing to intentionally make a bad movie, whether intentional or not bad is bad and on top of boring it is even worse. Even the set designs are horrible for their time, and make Lost In Space's glitter and saran warp look top notch. The film is really boring during the numerous scenes where no one says anything and you have to listen to the horrible game show music. When it's all said and done a campy film should at least be humorous, but because this is so horrible it's more pain than pleasure.

Overall this is definitely a cult film with a small fan base, the general movie watcher will find this tremendously tedious. I had seen parts of this film before and thought it was pretty corny, but after watching the whole thing, corny alone would have been welcomed. Barbarella is a very pointless and shallow film which if you happen to be a flower child and permanently brain damaged from smoking your weed, you might enjoy. But for the most part Barbarella is a space slut and goes around sleeping with every guy she meets on her "mission". I was really quite shocked this film was rated PG with the numerous breast shots throughout the film, even in the title sequence, amazingly not even pointless nudity could help this film and it seemed that’s what they were trying to do.

In the end, Barbarella is quite possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen, which may be the only reason some people like it, because it's so bad. I really wanted to like this film, but it reminded me of a low budget college production with a hot chick and a horrible story. There's no denying Jane Fonda's sex appeal here, but that was about it, once she opened her mouth it was over. I was about to give this film a zero, but in thinking it over I'll be generous with a couple mercy points because the concept of the film was alright. Give the script a complete overhaul and this might have been half-way entertaining. But with what we're given the poster and Fonda's outfits are pretty much the best Barbarella has to offer. Rumor has it a remake is in the works, lets hope they can put together an entertaining story with a little bit of action, otherwise look out, but with actresses like Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox supposedly interested in the role, if done right the new Barbarella would be something to see!

2/10

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Beast of the Yellow Night (1971)

My Mills Creek excursion into the 250 Horror Collection continues as I attempt to find something worthwhile in a set full of extremely low budget films thrown together into a collection in what seemingly appears to be absolutely no order. I've yet to find a film I truly enjoy or would even bother recommending, and I've yet to view a film in the collection that I would really even classify as a horror film!

Beast of the Yellow Night pretty much lost my attention from the very beginning. For one thing the video quality of the film was awful, completely off color and a lot of the time very yellowed, maybe it's somehow related to the "yellow night", but it was mostly the daylight scenes that had a yellow tight. Direction wise the film's the story is supposed to surround a criminal close to death who promises to serve the Devil if his life is spared. The Devil saves him and orders him to use his new life to bring out the evil in those around him. By selling his soul he now begins to transform into a beast at night, much life a gray Hulk , and mutilate people. Overall, not only was I extremely bored with this one but the combination of the Devil and the man transforming into a beast was too odd of a combination to even make the film remotely interesting. For a B-movie this one was both bad and boring, two combinations that just don't cut it.

2/10

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Robot Holocaust (1986)

When searching for a B-movie to watch the old adage "don't judge a book by it's cover" comes to mind. Why? Well because B-movies have some of the best movie posters out there, but alas it's all but a ploy to suck you into watching something you'd probably be better off putting together yourself. And in most cases I honestly believe the cost of designing some of these awesome posters costs more than the actual film!

Robot Holocaust takes place after the robots of the world have destroyed all the cities forcing man to become their slaves by polluting the air outside the cities and putting them into labor camps where they help to provide a specific power level for the leader known as the Dark One. But there are a band of "warriors" that live outside the city in the wasteland who are capable of breathing the poisoned air and are combining forces to take back the cities. A man named Neo leads a sparse group gathered from the city to defeat the Dark One and reclaim power for the human race.

First off I'd like to know why every time there is a nuclear fallout or hostile takeover of the planet that man reverts back to the barbarian times. No clothes survived the robots take over of Earth? Everyone is forced to dress like they've stepped out of Conan the Barbarian, not only does this not make any sense but it seems to me it's an unnecessary production cost, unless they had the costumes sitting around, which probably was the case. Come to find out Robot Holocaust was both written and directed a man named Tim Kincaid, who according to IMDb.com usually dabbles as writer and director of gay porn! Fortunately nothing of that sort is in this film, but that should be a fair enough warning of the quality of this science fiction film.

Another interesting fact that might have stopped me from watching this was that 90% of the cast has never been in any other movie, a good sign of what kind of talent one can expect to see. Angelika Jager is the best actor in the film, she plays Valaria the Dark One's second in command, but she delivers her lines with longer pauses than Captain Kirk. Throw in an evil robot who looks like a lobster, and a totally pointless and bizarre scene with Valaria in something call the pleasure chamber (basically a rotating cage and no clue where the pleasure came from), and Robot Holocaust definitely isn't worth the watch. Everything about this film is so bad I eventually started nodding off due to boredom, although I will complement them on the makeup of Valaria near the film's conclusion that was pretty good. In the end, will I stop watching B-movies based on the posters alone? Probably not, but I'll definitely be a little more weary next time. This film has been done on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 which can be found on YouTube, that's the way I recommend viewing this.

2/10

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The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

Originally Written

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I believe I have officially discovered a film that could be comparably worse than most American horror films... a British one! In browsing through the Netflix assortment of Hugh Grant films I stumbled upon The Lair of the White Worm. A horror film starring a young Hugh Grant that almost appeared too corny to pass up, well I should have passed it up!

When Scottish archaeologist Angus Flint discovers an intriguing skull buried beneath the earth strange things begin to occur within the village. People begin to disappear suddenly and it all appears to be surrounding the lore of a large white worm and the Lady Sylvia Marsh. Lord James D'Ampton (Hugh Grant) soon discovers that Marsh is a member of a cult who worships the worm, which his ancestors long ago had killed. Unfortunately the worm is still alive and trapped within an ancient cave. James and Angus must stop Marsh from releasing the worm and reeking havoc on their small town.

I almost couldn't write a review for this one. For some reason I was originally very excited to watch this, being a big Hugh Grant fan, hoping that at the least this film would be so horrible that it would be hilarious, unfortunately that was not the case. After watching about 40 minutes I couldn't bring myself to waste anymore time. The plot is awful and bizarre, the acting is utterly atrocious and aside from the rock song near the start of the film about the tale of the worm the film isn't funny at all. Sadly it's not a film that's "so bad it's good" and the few people I have seen who claim this to be "classic" must have been highly intoxicated while watching it (although it's trippy enough in and of itself).

It was my plan to return to it later and attempt to finish it but like sour milk it ends up getting pushed back into the fridge until you finally toss it out. It's not the worst film I have ever seen but if I'm going to intentionally watch a crappy film for comedy's sake the film at least needs to be able to hold my attention and offer some form of entertainment, otherwise it's utterly pointless to watch. Overall, The Lair of the White Worm is another one of those extremely bizarre films that lacks any real intelligence and quickly loses its quirky vibe to become completely dull, boring and strange. Take my advice and stay away!

2/10

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